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A principle in life to remember is to travel light.
You are traveling all the time.
Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light.
– Yogi Bhajan
THE HOT SEAT
Memoirs by Kirpal Singh Khalsa
After a little more than a year and a half of practicing Kundalini Yoga, Yogi Ji was still very much an enigma. He fascinated me and at the same time scared the wits out of me. I was attracted by his mastery of everything around him and at the same time I could not allow him too close to my insecurities. His words of wisdom inspired me. I loved the truth he revealed. Yet I avoided his eyes. Every time they scanned my direction I hid. Those were dangerous eyes. They seemed to burn holes through me and I was very sensitive to heat.
One evening in Denver, 1971, Yogi Ji was sitting with the ashram members in the meditation room. The Ashram teacher, Brian, was recounting an unpleasant situation where a former ashram member had broken rules and been disrespectful. Brian was in the hot seat trying to defend why he had not been forceful enough to confront the situation. I sat on the sidelines watching, fascinated and grateful to be out of the line of fire. Then Brian said, “Maybe Tom knows more about this,” motioning in my direction.
Those terrible eyes moved over to me. I felt like a rabbit, pinned by the headlights of a car. “What did you do?” he asked.
I had done nothing. I had watched while this egomaniac had manipulated people, laid his trip and took advantage of our open ashram policy and our naive faith in human goodness. Actually I had been afraid to confront the situation, even through I knew I should have, because I did not want to be negative or upset our cozy little bubble.
“I was afrai…. “ I stopped myself before I said “afraid”. I knew he would not like that.
“SAY IT!” Yogi Ji thundered, completely freaking me. He looked like he was about attack and bite off my head.
“I was afraid of ….” I am really not sure what I said. But it was enough to open the door.
“A Sikh is never afraid,” he said, his eyes boring into me, “not even of death. You are a lion. You must attack when it is right. You must fight until the victory is won. Why were you afraid?”
I was on the spot, big time. His eyes were burning into me. He wanted answers. I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to talk about it. Whatever it was, it was way too painful. Truthfully, I did not know the answer to his question. I came up with some lame answer, trying to claim some moral high ground.
He ripped into me. My memory has blotted out most of what he said. It was pretty painful. It felt like he was beating me with a stick. All I wanted to do was get away. But there was no place to hide. He was killing me. I figured if I was going to die I should meet it head on. I had no choice. I looked up into his eyes.
His face was contorted into a hideous mask, the tone of voice was harsh and angry and the words he was hurling at me stung like whip lashes, but his eyes were full of love. I was stunned. All my senses were knotted in survival mode, protecting me from his onslaught. But behind it all was love. He cared deeply for me. I was enveloped with a warm sense of his kindness and compassion. I immediately brought down all my defenses and opened completely to him.
He allowed me to look inside him. I searched for the person behind the eyes. I expected to meet a being, radiant, full of love. I found nothing. I looked deeper. It felt like I was being sucked up into a void and there was no end. I stretched to infinity and nobody was there – no personality, no ego, nobody home.
So who was talking to me? I still cannot answer that. Whoever or whatever it was, it was beyond anything I knew. But a few things were clear. The words were without ego or personality. The normal pulls and pressures that affect others did not affect Yogi Ji. Finally, anything he said to me was pure gold and I had better listen.
I do not know how much time he talked to me. Others in the room that evening later told me it was an hour. I remember only images. He dissected my personality. He carved out components of my being one by one, discussed each aspect, turning it over and revealing hidden parts, then deposited it on the floor in front of me. Before long my entire personality was spread out before my eyes. He discussed my destiny, my challenges, my gifts and my weaknesses, as if analyzing a mathematical construct. It was all there, exposed. Then he gathered them all up, readjusted them, deposited them back into me and he was done. I walked out the there barely touching the ground.
Was I enlightened? No. Was I different? Yes. First of all, he adjusted my psyche in much the same way as a chiropractor adjusts the body. The components are the same but their relationship allows for better working of the whole. Second, I was given a guided tour of my consciousness, my karmas and my destiny. It was beautiful. Third, he allowed me a glimpse inside himself. I am not saying I know who he is but I know who he is not. He is not someone who has any ulterior motive in his relationship with me other than to uplift my consciousness in the most selfless and direct way. Fourth, I recognized him as my teacher. I found I could trust him in a way that I did not know a human could trust. It was a turning point.
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